Five minutes later, my phone rang.
It was Chris, laughing his head off.
“Kelly, I can’t believe it,” he replied. “I’ve known this guy for years and never, not once, did I think he’d do something so crazy.”
“So this isn’t a joke?” I asked.
“No way!” Chris replied. “Eric has always been a little… busy with his dates, but this is next level. Okay, we have to get revenge on this guy.”
Chris was a genius of meticulousness at the highest level.
Instead of simply criticizing Eric in the group chat, I was going to go a step further.
“I’m going to issue the same invoice,” he announced. “Same format, made-up legal jargon, absurd rates, everything the same.”
Service invoice – Amount due: A lifetime of silence.
Introducing a beautiful woman: 1 permanent block on all platforms.
Convincing her you’re a gentleman: A deep personal reflection on why you’re single
Letting her sit at the same table with you: A formal apology to all the women you’ve dated before.
Without exposing yourself to the entire internet: A generous gift you should be grateful for.
Payment is due immediately. Failure to pay could result in public humiliation. Best regards.
“This is perfect!” I wrote to him. “Send it!”
“Forwarded!” he replied a moment later.
For illustrative purposes only
. Shortly after, my phone was flooded with a series of increasingly angry messages from Eric.
“Wow, how ripe!”
“I was just trying to set realistic expectations; not everyone is rich.”
“Chris is a terrible friend.”
“You missed out on a GREAT guy.”
I didn’t bother getting into an argument. What could I say to someone who believed human interaction was based on transactions? I simply sent a thumbs-up emoji and blocked their number.
Mia called me later that night, still laughing about the whole thing.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “Honestly, I thought it was normal. Chris didn’t realize it was normal either.”
“Don’t worry,” I said, surprising myself with how relaxed I felt. “At least we all have a good story to tell.”
“That’s right,” he agreed. “That will be officially repeated at every party for the next decade.”
This whole incident taught me a golden rule for dating: if a guy insists on paying, make sure he doesn’t send you a bill afterward.
And what about the keychain? I kept it. Not because it reminded me of Eric, but because it was a nice memento of the most extraordinary day of my life
